Sirius Black: Avatar
by gibbousmoons
Summary: Sirius Black has always been a trickster, prankster, and all around untrustworthy fellow.  Is it any wonder Coyote thought his premature death was just a tad... unnecessary?  HP/Gunnerkrigg Court Crossover
1. The Prison

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but I do own nothin.

**Two Years Ago . . . Azkaban**

Azkaban is cold, damp place surrounded on all sides by the frigid ocean. Its stone walls and floors a stark black that seems to swallow what scant amount of happiness visitors may bring with them. It wasn't what Azkaban was made of that did that, though. Dementors infested Azkaban, floating unmolested along its corridors; sucking all the happy memories and sanity away from anyone fool enough to come near them.

There's a reason Dementors are so feared.

Dementors cannot be killed, cannot be stopped, even by the most powerful of magic. The one known exception to this rule is the fiendishly difficult patronus charm, a visible manifestation of its caster's hope and happy memories that will, at its lowest level, form a shield that negates the creature's influence and acts as a barrier that it cannot overcome.

The most powerful kind of patronus can even drive dementors away with its sheer intensity.

Sirius Black had the unfortunate punishment of being confined in Azkaban for crimes he did not commit and, as a result, had been living with the dementors' presence for twelve years, which left him almost completely insane, raving mad, Totally bonkers, off his rocker, and many more delightful things.

"Excuse me, Minister. Are you finished with that paper? I'm rather fond of the crosswords, you see."

At least, that was the theory.

The evidence, however, thought Minister Fudge in a rare moment of lucidity, pointed in completely the opposite direction.

"I don't get The Prophet in here, and nobody else tells any good jokes, so I'm rather keen on that lovely bunch of entertainment you have in hour hand, minister. So if you could be good chap and let me have it? Or, if you're not quite done yet, could you please drop it off on your way out? " Sirius continued, seemingly more sane than he was on the day of his arrest, which didn't mean much, but still. . .

Dropping his paper in shock, Minister Fudge squeaked in alarm before turning back the way he had come and fleeing as fast as he was able back to the warden's quarters, where he took the only working flue on Azkaban back to the ministry building and never looked back.

"At least he left the paper", shrugged Sirius as he reached out of his cell with one emaciated arm, fingers groping in the now dark corridor for the dropped item in question. "Now if I can just. . . Stretch . . . Nope. Can't reach."

"Here you go!"

"Ah!" Sirius took the offered paper and unfolded it quickly before pulling a stick of charcoal out from under his cot. Turning his attention back to the crossword, He beamed widely, "This is a good one! All right, all right.

Sixteen letter word series for 'godson'? Dunno that.

Maybe the next one, four letter word for 'require'? That one's 'need'!

Got it now! Fifth British album by The Beatles, four letter word? That one's 'Help'! It's a good thing Lilly liked that group.

Five letter word for 'pause in sentence'? 'Comma'.

'Trickster god', six letters. This one's another toughie."

"May I suggest, 'Coyote?'"

"C-O-Y-O-T-Y", coyote!"

"No, It's C-O-Y-O-T-E, coyote."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

Sirius put down his stick of charcoal, then stroked his beard thoughtfully, "It suddenly occurs to me that someone is in my cell."

"No I'm not."

"It also occurs to me, that I am doing a crossword puzzle in the dark, and that this crossword puzzle is telling me that my godson needs my help."

"Well, I wouldn't know anything about that." The voice replied jovially, before continuing on in a much more subdued tone, "But since I'm the one who handed you the paper, I may have possibly altered the puzzle a teeny, tiny, little bit. And you missed part of the message."

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!"

"Did not!"

"Listen here, I wrote that message, so I ought to know what it really is!"

"So you ought to, but don't? Is that what you're saying, Mr. Mysterious-Voice-In-The-Dark?"

"You forgot about 'comma Coyote'! Like a comma at the end of a letter, then a name for the signature!"

"So you're Coyote, a mythical trickster being of enormous and cosmic power?"

"So glad I'm recognized."

"I wasn't finished!" Exclaimed Sirius accusingly, "Because you just confessed to ruining my crossword puzzle! Do you know what this means?"

"You need to escape Azkaban to rescue your godson from danger most dire?" Guessed the voice now known as Coyote.

"Yes! But first, I'm gonna get ya you lousy mangy excuse for a fleabag! You ruined the first crossword I've had in over ten years!" Swinging out wildly, Sirius leapt to his feet, charged forwards, and slammed headfirst into the bars of his cell, getting his head stuck between two of them.

"Well, aren't you in a fine pickle, Mr. Black?" Coyote snickered before brushing up against Sirius' chin.

"Wait? How did you get outside the cell?"

"Well, they are human sized bars, and I am a god, you know." Gloated the trickster, the furry trickster. "And I'm here to offer you a deal. I'll get you out of Azkaban, if you-"

"Wait just one minute! I know better than to take deals offered to desperate men by mysterious figures in the dark! Especially since I've been around dementors long enough to hallucinate! And I can get out of here any time I want to!"

"Well then, I guess you can just get yourself out of here then, and I'll just hold on to my offer. Shall I?" Sirius strained to hear Coyote as soft paw-steps moved away from his cell, down the corridor. "And, if you decide to take me up on my offer, just remember this."

Sirius' eyes widened as he heard the voice whisper softly in his ears.

"I like your style, kid."


	2. The Deal

Now - Department of Mysteries, Veil Room

And Sirius fell through the veil.

Death, he decided as he picked himself up off the ground, was an anticlimax. There was a complete lack of anything but whiteness all around. He knelt down, trying to feel the floor, and found that it was completely smooth. Trying to slide his hands, though, he found that he was unable to move his hands along the surface, only able to draw them back up.

Back on his feet, Sirius looked around before striding purposefully forwards, saying to himself, "No way to tell where anything is, nothing to see. . . Might as well go forward as stay still."

After an indeterminate amount of time, he thought it might have been a minute, he found a small square of orange paper on the ground, which he promptly picked up and read.

"Your case is on hold pending further judgment. Please hold." Sirius frowned as he turned the card over. "Under judgment? Fat chance of me sticking around for that! I've got a bit of a record with legal systems." Sticking the paper in his pocket, Sirius frowned, feeling another piece of paper, around half as small as the first and made of cardboard, in said pocket, which had most certainly not been in there when he died.

Pulling it out, he found it said, "Get out of judgment free card" before continuing quietly, "Note; accepting the benefits of this card are regarded as accepting sponsorship. Coyote holds no legal, moral, or immoral responsibility or liability for any possible side effects of said sponsorship. Side effects may include coughing, sneezing, emergence of brillig, spontaneous combustion, aqua-transexuallity, impolite remissions, impolite omissions, , sores, and drainage. Side effects will include auto-resurrection and a complete lack of judgment by any Powers That Be (P.T.B.)."

"I could add," and Sirius spun around, reaching in the sudden dark for the coyote that was sure to be attached to the cold nose pressed against his ear, "that, in the event that you do not take advantage of my offer, you will be judged twice. Once by me, and once by the lower Powers: Law, Order, Justice, and such."

"So, how would I be judged?" Asked Sirius,now laying flat on the ground-thing in an attempt to stop Coyote from sneaking up on him again.

"I don't know?" said Coyote. "Did you uphold the law and rules? Did you encourage order and yearn for a more peaceful life? Mr. Baggins, I think you will be judged mostly innocent of any crimes you may have committed. In fact-"

Sirius quickly rolled over, grabbing the canine's snout and holding it closed with both hands as he hastily corrected him. "Do I look like a hobbit? My name is-"

"Do you want to look like a hobbit?" Said Coyote from his new second mouth, under the eye on his left foreleg.

"What?"

"I said," Coyote repeated, with a air of long suffering indifference, "do you want to look like a hobbit? I can fix that if you'd like."

"I'm Sirius Black! I'm a human, a wizard, not a hobbit!" Sirius was very nearly shouting now. "And all I want to know is how I'll be judged when I'm no longer 'pending further judgement!'"

"In all seriousness, badly." Coyote's eyes narrowed as he focused, "You broke rules and laws for fun, also for your friends, but mostly for fun. You let your fear - don't deny it, you were afraid - influence your decision not to be your best friend's guardian, and you made an awful lot of havoc somebody had to clean up."

"So not good?"

"Your judgement is one thing I never want to tell anyone about, even the people I think should be terrified out of their wits."

"Not fun. Not fun at all." Sirius began pacing back and forth in front of Coyote, "Do you mind if I take a few minutes to think this over?"

"Not at all. An avatar who doesn't want to be one wouldn't do me any good, after all."

"All right, on one side the ultimate not fun punishment for failing my duties and refusing to uphold certain regional morals and laws, and on the other. . . best to make a list." Stopping his pacing and holding a finger in the air, Sirius began. "One; not dead and therefore not judged either. Two; not dead and therefore able to prank everyone when my will is read. Three. . ." Sirius' voice trailed off, staring into the middle distance for a minute before playfully getting nipped on his left hand.

"Three is that you get phenomenal cosmic pranking power! Now go ahead and agree, you know you want to!"

"Well-"

"None of the cool kids did it!"

"Al-"

"Don't make me mention how you'll be judged!"

Once again the elder being found its mouth held shut as Sirius nearly yelled back, "If you'd let me get a word in edgewise you'd have found out that I've already agreed!"

"Wonderful!" Coyote pulled a conical party hat, tastefully decorated in gold and scarlet, out of somewhere before putting it on as confetti, also gold and scarlet, rained from the ceiling, "Package deal 4SP-22 invoked, you are now the proud owner of a small portion of my magnificent powers, and I expect you to pull off at least one really good zinger a month, understand? Of course you do!" Coyote blathered on without giving Sirius a chance to sneak anything in elsewise,

"Now the most important thing to remember is to have fun. I have seen far too many people sent back to life or back in time who had no sense of humor, all 'save everyone, dress all in black, kill Death Eaters whenever I see them' people, no class! I expect you, on the other hand, to be having a wonderful time making people laugh, even if we're the only ones laughing."

"Sirius spoke up as Coyote looked at him expectantly, "I can do that, pranks I mean."

"I certainly hope you can. Now get down there and show 'em what you're made of!" And with that encouraging remark, Sirius' vision went dark and he felt himself twisting down, down, down, until he landed in a chair in front of a huge bucket of fried chicken, in an orange and white restaurant.

AN:

Well, for my first posted work I think this is going along pretty well. Sirius is back on earth, enjoying fried chicken with eleven herbs and spices while plotting dastardly vengeance- err- how to liven up wizarding Brittain. Who's first on his laugh list? Will he be the only one to show up for his will reading? Will our hero ever finish his bucket of chicken?

Tune in next time for answers to more than those questions and those questions, and please drop a review if you have a spare moment, I won't whine and beg but they are nice to get.

gibbousmoons out.


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